I’m here, in my bedroom in Riga, looking at the snow falling quietly outside the window, and I’m alone. My flatmates left two days ago, but I don’t feel so lonely – I feel alright, slightly melanchonic, but alright.
It’s only in this moment, after so many months, that I realize that I lost my best friend.
Yes, I lost her. I don’t know how, or when, or why. I only know that I lost her, and it’s sad.
The sad part is that I tried. I tried so hard to keep our friendship, even if she is living in another country now. I tried so hard to keep in touch. I texted. Called. Sent emails. Arranged meetings. I went to visit her in May, last year, and yet it didn’t work.
It’s not that we’re not friends anymore – we saw each other when I went home for Christmas, she was home as well and we had a coffee together. It’s only that she’s not my best friend anymore, and I feel like I’ve lost something very important.
I wonder if I could have tried harder. Did I do everything I could? Could I have done something more, to keep that special relationship?
The fact is, I don’t know. I know that I tried hard, I feel like I did my best, and at some point I was just tired, and let go. Maybe I could have held on a bit more, fought a bit more.
But is it really worth fighting for, if I’m the only one who’s fighting? I feel like she let go way before. I was the only one trying. I was the one who had to text, to call, to write. And then I got tired to be the one who follows and follows and follows if there’s no result, no point.
Friends leave, new ones come
Might sound pessimistic, I know, and I also know that everything I wrote in this blog so far sound the same way, but I can assure you that I am an optimist by nature. So if I feel like there’s nothing left to do, it’s because I really tried.
Maybe the loss of one of my best friends is the reason why I found two during this Erasmus. Yes, sounds crazy, right? But I think I did. I found two special people that somehow helped me through this. Our friendship burned like a match. I found myself telling them things I never even admitted to myself. It scared me to death, but it was also exciting, and I felt so free when I let all those thoughts, fears, dreams out. And they were there for me every time that I needed it.
So here we are. In a week, my Erasmus will be over. A part of me – a silly, irrational part – fears that these new friendships won’t last long, due to distance, after seeing what happened with my best friend. But I’m positive. I’ll try, as I always do, and, with a bit of luck, I won’t be writing a post like this again.
What do you think? Have you ever lost a friend you thought would have been there way longer? How did you get through it?